Klingon Wife No More

I was born a Vulcan. (Well, not really--so no worries!)

Silent--though deadly--and trained to be as emotionless as possible. I was taught that emotions are deadly. They adulterate rational thinking. Emotions are inconvenient, and when shown, a sign of a weaker person inside.

But I got tired of all that crap. I was miserable and only bottling.

I mean, really. A person can take not being heard and pretending that nothing matters only for so long. I hit my breaking point as a teen. Tired of simply smiling and nodding to keep the attacks at bay, I started to self destruct worse than ever before. Aching, yearning, crying out for a release.

Well, instead of truly waiting for one that was healthy, stable, sincere, and gracious, I found a release that felt like vengeance for all the years that I remained silent and without rights. I found a way that gave me a high of temporary freedom though bondage. I became an anger-head. Almost the same symptoms of being a crack head, but in some ways worse because you can't find any "good" or decent people to endorse crack, but anger? Let me tell you, people were rooting for me to burn my freaking house down.

And I did. Well, not literally! But emotionally, I tore my house and family apart brick by brick.

Slowly but surely my then boyfriend, now husband, watched me transform into a beast he never thought possible. The Vulcan like woman that I was born was destroyed and eaten by the barbaric beast inside. I became the Klingon woman.

Now, don't get me wrong--this Klingon woman had her pros! I was fierce about honor, respect, loyalty, and serving the greater good. And...that's all fine and dandy, but the cons of anger, abusive behavior, manipulation, pure self-hate, and ritualistic self-defeat quickly overshadowed and contradicted the pros.

So I have been on a path, a war path if you will, to process every root that I can dig up in my life. My goal has become to get whole and healthy. To find the balance between self-expression, graciousness, and truth.

My mind has been changed. Silence and self-destruction no longer pleases. I don't get that high anymore from throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, and fighting. I don't feel as good when I look in the mirror. All I can see are the chains that have me bound to hate and screaming for love. I want Love to take up residence in me.

So Klingon woman can't live here anymore.

Good-bye and good riddance.