Passion and Purpose

Unfortunately I can be the queen of obligation. Drop some guilt or duty into the bucket and I am all in. I have been working on setting adequate and realistic boundaries for myself so that I will significantly reduce my people pleasing moments.

This performance orientation stomps around in my home life as well. I look for ways to do whatever I can to make things happen, while leaving myself out of the equation. I recently had a chance to analyze this terrible tendency while thinking about my future and career. My hope is that I will find a niche and use what I am good at to make money. I know that I would do a job that I hated for the rest of my life if it meant taking care of my family and meeting some goals that greatly involved finances (which is most of them!).

But is that anyway to live my life forever? By only doing what it takes to live? Please someone tell me that it is possible to do something that I enjoy and still not have to eat Ramen noodles 5 times a week! I mean, two or three times a week is fine. Just not five!

To get down to it, I realize that my fear is not so much that I will do a job that is just alright for the rest of my life, but I fear how much I am going to hate myself for it later. I know that I can do some things as hobbies while I do a 9 to 5--been there, done that--but why do I have to put my dreams or talents into a box labeled "7 pm-10 pm only" or "weekends only" and play it safe?

Honest question: Do any of you who really know me think I would be happy like that? That I would look up at 45 years old and be proud? I am doing the hobby thing now and not happy! Perhaps I am more of a mystery than I thought? How would I translate that to my daughter later?! "Charisma, yeah...I know you are REALLY good at dance but perhaps you can get some friends together to do it on your free time so that you can learn a menial skill and get a job."

Ok, ok...that was a bit dramatic. I do believe that we should know more than just what we are good at--a singer should know how to type an email. We are more than just talent. But what happens when everything I am good at falls under either creative or administrative and I don't want to be a secretary or assistant anymore?

Being real, what terrifies me is that I am surrounded by examples of people caught in the hamster wheel of life, doing what they need to do to survive while being exhausted trying to fit in what they like. They are all older now. Some settling for what their lives are and others who are regretful that they didn't do more. What happened to that glimmer in their eyes? What happened to the heart and passion they had? What happened that the idea of settling became so easy to swallow? I don't want that to be me. I don't want to grimace as I am tube or force fed life. That's not life at all--it's being a vegetable.

I don't want to wonder what would have happened if I continued singing, acting, writing, drawing, etc. I mean, realistically I am not going to become a grammy winning, academy award accepting, noble prize receiving--well, that's more possible than ever now, but I digress--gallery presenting, world traveling momma, and I may always be stuck behind a laptop and flying in coach. But that's okay. Because the accolades for the talent are not what I am looking for--I want to find my niche. I want to live my purpose. And that may mean I am a nobody to my neighbor while my pseudonym is known for four popular blogs or novels.

I just want to be able to say in the end that if it didn't work out like I hoped it would, at least I gave the dice a roll. Sitting at START is not an option anymore.

Rules of the Game

I don't play well with others, but I hate being left out of the game. So I must either play, and play by the rules of the game, or decide that the game is just not worth it.

Too Spiritual to...

...wash the dishes?

Life is about balance and balance is not easy--it takes a constant checks and balances system to occur between your soul and the leading of the spirit. This is shown, I believe, constantly in our homes as mothers and wives. It is so easy to neglect our homes while aiming to be more spiritual, and it is just as easy to be so caught up in the running of our empires that spiritual ways don't make the list.

I just finished watching Joyce Meyer this morning and she made a comment about people wanting to cast out demons and heal the sick but avoid the dishes in their sink, and that perhaps some balance was needed. This was huge to me--and I admit that my carnal mind first went to "I know some people that really needed to hear that!!!" But, if I am to be emotionally and intellectually honest, I have to bring the analyzing back to me and my life.

‎"Having an unbalanced or chaotic home life does

not negate that you were "called" or are spiritual--

it speaks to your lack of balance in responding

to that call and exposes spiritual immaturity."

So I am sitting here...thinking about how many days I spent hours volunteering or studying and yet dinner went uncooked and sandwiches were made...or how many nights I spent staying up reading and writing and then being too tired and grouchy all the next day. It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that when I didn't take care of myself, I didn't take care of my family. I was neglectful, unbalanced, and selectively busy when I didn't have to be.

And it showed in so many ways. My marriage was annoyingly annoying. My daughter was...interestingly disobedient, and my health declined--and I didn't think it could get worse. I didn't like myself very much and I felt totally unfocused and out of control. I was a hypocrite in the first order, because I can't work to help people more than I am willing to help myself and those closest to me.

So, are you too spiritual to wash your dishes? Do you get excited to "go out and reach the lost" and fulfill your purpose while your immediate family members spiritually, physically, or emotionally wander? It's an honest question to ask ourselves.

Baby or No Baby

"Looking back, we see with great clarity, and what once appeared as difficulties now reveal themselves as blessings." - Dan Millman

I wasn't raised to think children were a blessing--not unless you held a belief in the system of modern day slavery or abusing the government system... I was raised in a time where a parent would call you into the house from playing outside just to change the channel on the TV. And no, that's no exaggeration.

I was also raised in a home where my siblings were like my children. They relied on me, and as cruel as we could be to each other, we knew that we were all we had sometimes. This childhood without a childhood created a beast in me that hated all things "motherly" while longing for a connection to someone. I grew up with an intense desire to avoid having children and even wanted to simply get sterilized so I wouldn't have to worry about the issue at all (this was illegal anyways).

So, as one can imagine, getting pregnant at 17 years old was...tragic...on so many levels. I was ashamed--heck, only just this year, eight years later, did I stop being ashamed! I was terrified. I had so many thoughts of despair ripping through my soul, I didn't think I could live anymore. And to top it all off, a specialist mentions while I am pregnant how it was a surprise that I could even get pregnant due to some health issues. Go figure.

And I can't end this story as magically easy and beautiful, but I can say that Carmichael and I were truly redeemed. We fell in love with Charisma. And that was beautiful and still is.

So now I am 25 with a daughter that will be eight this year, a husband that desires more children and prayerfully soon, friend after friend popping out children like cute little PEZ dispensers, and I am still just sitting here. Still in disbelief after three miscarriages and a few false alarms. Still in disbelief that all these years later, my health situation has only worsened. Still in disbelief that things turned out this way--struggling each day not to see myself as a failure because the basic functions of my womanhood are out of order.

And I am shocked. Shocked that I care at all. I am shocked that this is not a "no birth control needed" victory for Carmichael and I, and instead is a daily battle not to feel inferior. For me it has been a battle of not comparing and contrasting myself to other women. To not judge other women and their situations is also hard--seeing someone having yet ANOTHER kid and they seemingly don't want the others...but it is far from my place to judge who is worthy of that blessing. There are many days that we are grateful to have one child--money is tight, our apartment is tiny, college isn't finished, etc--but we still have a lot more than we had eight years ago, and that makes me wish...

It may sound silly, frivolous, or selfish, but there is also an intense desire in us to have a child "the right way" this time:

• to have honor,
• to be able to announce the news and not have to hide in shame,
• to be able to prepare for the baby with joy,
• to have a baby shower that people actually show up to,
• to not be another statistic, perpetuating stereotypes for people in my "class."

Never would I have thought I would be this grateful to have had a child at 17, because if I never have another one, as hard as it was and sometimes is, we do have her and we love her.

But in the end, I think the hardest thing for me is admitting that I cried everyday when holding and feeding my friend's son while babysitting, that I avoid pregnant women and new babies when I can, that while I celebrate with the good news of my friends, I lose myself and dream it was my news, and that I laugh about my situation to keep from crying about it (and that can be disconcerting to others who don't know what I am going though). It is hard admitting that I wanted this more than I ever thought I would, and I hope that if it never happens, my husband won't resent me later.

But I try to smile. My prayer is that I will "sorrow not, grieving as others without hope" in Messiah. (1 Thess 4:13) I know that I am not alone in this situation or in life, and I look forward to what the future holds for my family--baby or no baby.

CARmichael

This is going to be a short post today since I am having back spasms and my arm needs to go back into a splint...

So my hunny bunny took me out on a date yesterday to celebrate our three year wedding anniversary. He promises that he enjoyed my company even though I could barely move without pain and sometimes tears. :-)

We went to lunch and then to see "Date Night" at the dollar show. Lunch was awesome and ended up being free--and with dessert, courtesy of the Olive Garden manager. "Happy Anniversary to us!"

"Date Night" was so awesome if your humor can handle it. It was great enough to buy!!! And that is saying a lot from me! So while I was flipping between drooling over Mark Wahlberg and praying against the growing lust in my heart, I held my husband's hand, who in turn squeezed mine to acknowledge my struggle with the giggles. I know some women that would think Carmichael was a saint because he barely noticed that there was a chick in the same scene that I was looking at...but no. Carmichael's moment was coming...it just wouldn't be with a female...it would be over a vehicle.

Less than maybe three minutes later, this beast of a car, the Audi R8, was on the screen...and I tell you, I was embarrassed by my husband's reaction! When the engine was revved, his hand flew to his mouth as he gasped. Ummm...I was feeling like I was intruding on a moment! I was just grateful that he wasn't the only one to exclaim about the car in that packed out theater!

Now, because this car had more screen time than a hot chick in this movie (sorry, I don't consider Tina Fey hot at all), I got a long look at how I acted every time Marky Mark came on the screen. But for some reason, I felt worse. I felt...like kicking Carmichael's butt! You would think I would be used to this by now--seeing his head yank to the side to see a car before it flies by, calling up his friends when he spots a cool car, or being able to name a car with accuracy on the highway, pitch black, all because of knowing the headlights.

See, when Carmichael sees me checking out a dude on screen, he goes home, takes off his t-shirt and starts doing curls with the groceries so that I can check him out. LOL He has a full out plan of showing me I am not missing a thing--including yesterday with his "Can Mark Wahlberg do this?!" show. But me, even if I wanted to, I can't look at a chick and think...hmmm, he likes her hair, I can get a wig for that or something. Noooooo...he likes cars. What the heck am I going to do? Cover myself in chrome & fiberglass and draw on some doors and purr? I mean, come on!

<--I can't look like this EVER! LOL

Car magazines should be shrink wrapped for now on, and car shows should be for adults only! :-D

And before any of you think of some freaky diagnosis for my hubcap, remember that CARmichael was a born car enthusiast and NOTHING more. So there!

Fearful

This is all I could get out today...just what has been on my mind. Enjoy ;)

"I got this icebox where my heart used to be..."

And I am not sure how to warm it up or replace it

Pain:

Time, love, and salvation couldn't erase it

Like a space ship

It's taking me too high from reality

Now I can see

Only darkness and stars surrounding me

Supposedly free

Yet still so bound

Head bowed under the weight of my crown

Fake smiles masking frowns

Torn up while I'm falling down

Confined in my own mind

As my love declines

I see you there

Hoping that you will declare

A rescue

From my issues

That I can't bare

Don't want to share

So I just pretend not to care

Watching you grapple on to bricks

Trying to climb my wall

Nails gripping

Feet slipping

So you decided to jump off

Don't quit on me yet.

BLAH

I had a great 4th of July this year. Great food, fellowship, and fun with friends and family made some awesome memories.

Now I am sitting here, feeling absolutely sick, absolutely lonely, and trying to keep my head up.

Hopefully a better post will come later today after I finally fall asleep.

Doubters

I had a bad week. Been struggling with my confidence and feeling pretty lost about my future.

At thirteen years old, I felt so sure of myself and what I was called to do--even though I didn't feel qualified. That calling has been confirmed over and over throughout the years--even by people that didn't know me. As I got older and did some really stupid things, I definitely thought I and everyone else had heard wrong, but I quickly learned Romans 11:29: "For Yahweh's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" I started myself on the path to redemption, understanding and grateful that the areas in my life that were not my proudest moments could become a testimony to the Father's love, grace, and mercy.

Now I am here. Almost eight years later and feeling a crisis again. I am feeling worse than I did when I found out I was going to be a mother at seventeen. This time I am not fearful and uncertain of my future because of sin--I am scared because perhaps I have spent twelve years being wrong. I have spent twelve years in a battle for my life to accomplish something that may not be for me. Had I misheard about my purpose? I have been searching my heart, struggling to make sure that I have no ulterior motives, that I didn't have even an ounce of glory seeking. And after all my examination, I come up clear and still passionate, but scared.

Why?

Because it feels like no one believes in me. It feels like I am talking out of my butt when I share my dreams and goals with friends and family. Silence. Crickets. Blank stares. No one cares.

I am a doubter surrounded by doubters.

And intellectually, I totally get that no one has to believe or agree with anything because at the end of the day, they don't have to answer for me. I have to answer for myself and there is only ONE that can approve or reject my actions in the end. But still, it hurts. It hurts because it makes me wonder that if some of those people can be so absolutely perceptive in any other conversation, maybe I am missing it because they can't seem to see me where I believe God wants to move me.

And that leads me to the video posted below. A few people posted this on Facebook and it spread like wildfire. It was a wake up call for so many. When reposting this video on my wall, I commented that it was "encouraging, eye opening, and heartbreaking all at the same time." Heartbreaking because I was faced with the realization that I was surrounded by people who were against what I was against and some for what I was for, but very few were for me. I was so affected by friends' doubts, questioning, negative words, and silence because I shouldn't have shared those areas of my life with them to begin with... And afterwards I felt that--I often felt like I was convincing people that I matter.

But what do you do when you have built years of a friendship with people who question every good thing that comes your way? What do you do when you realize that your closest friends are the very people that only cheer when they agree and scoff when things work out when they didn't agree? That is where I am. I feel stuck in so many areas and how I feel I need to break away seems so sudden, so painful. Boundaries this late in the game is like building a house in a swamp. You just don't know where the heck to begin.

I am breaking out of the lie that I need the approval of people for my life and I am learning how to break out of relationships with people that are not truly for me. A couple years ago, after making an ungodly vow that I refused to make any new friends from then on, I am opening my heart and my life to those people whom the Father himself might have sent to me. No more rejecting anyone that wants to get close. I will pray, ask for wisdom, and let the Father restore who should be in my life, remove those who shouldn't, and grow the seeds of friendship that were planted.

Please watch the video clip below if you haven't already. I think it might just bless you too.

Slippery Slopes

"There is a prevalence in the Christian community to attack anything that even remotely looks like opposition. No matter how innocent the questioner's intentions, we make reasonable doubt or questioning synonymous with defiance, doubt, and unbelief." ---TBP

I am curious and I am a born skeptic (so I am totally biased!). The word why can be my favorite word, but I have also built an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dome around myself with beliefs inside that won't and can't be tampered with.

But living this way--with a dome with only the most important things protected and the rest being up for grabs--is hard and lonely. To find someone that isn't insecure, flippant, mean, rude, or ignorant when asking questions about beliefs, etc seems impossible at times.

I find it absolutely impossible for people to have a sure, intellectual foundation on something until they consider and understand the reasons why people reject that same line of thinking. For example, as a believer, how much use can you be to the world when you can't understand how someone else could be an unbeliever to begin with?

Can I be sent some people who securely know what they know without acting an ass just because I ask?

I do wonder if the reactions I get when processing out loud or asking questions are a result of that person's lack of trust of me, or is it because they are so afraid that if anything non-traditional is entertained, it will be a slippery slope for me? Hmmm...

Emotional Terrorism In the Name of Truth

I am up. Been praying, praising, and worshiping since around 4 am, asking God for peace, hope, and receiving encouragement. In the midst of all of that, the same nagging thoughts kept popping up. So now I write to end it:

When some people eagerly attack an issue that they are passionate and feel sure about, they tend to forget some important variables because they think ALL or NOTHING. Not talking finicky human emotions, but pieces of truth that may not have been placed yet or an angle of the situation that is different, or an understanding of one point of the issue and not the whole issue where we may already agree. So that attack only feels like an attack. Not a defense of truth. It just feels like a put down because you don't care of why I think the way I do, only that I don't agree with all of you.

I am TOO guilty of this.

I have been processing and sincerely repenting for my behavior in this area. As "truth seekers," we go for the jugular of an issue hoping to kill it where it stands so that a lie won't overtake the issue, but we don't realize that unless we know and not assume where that person is coming from and why, then we didn't kill the issue--we killed a tiny piece of hope in that person that they could ever express themselves in that area again.We lose credibility and a piece of the trust that person had in us.

Now I have been going through convo after convo and realizing that my heartlessness towards anything untrue can transfer over to plain heartlessness for the person who is expressing what I don't agree with.

Just like I have made mental notes after discussions with others, "I gotta just stop expressing anything in this area because I get pissed off with their reaction before I can explain my agreement for the overall issue but disagreement with the tint of one puzzle piece, so then I react and prove to them that I am irrational, hurt, and wrong anyways!" I wonder how many people I have provoked to this reaction about me and I am sore. It hurts. It hurts to know that my words, reactions, and knowledge could have left a friend, loved one, family member, etc feel the way I feel at 5:41 am. Bare. Unable to release it. Hurt. Angry. Saddened. Regretful. And even more cautious than I was before.

I started to think about the bitter arguments that could have been avoided or quickly ended if I had just released my jaws from the issue. I wish that I had the wisdom just a couple days ago when I was on a seek and destroy mission because of a lie told to me. I just wouldn't let it go. Me knowing the truth wasn't enough. I had to beat the hell out of the person emotionally and verbally until they realized that same truth. And guess what? The person didn't walk away wanting to seek the truth earnestly. They walked away with the thought that the drama I caused wasn't worth my presence. And for that, I am sad. I can't stop crying right now. I have since made efforts to get back on the right page of peace and love with this individual and to check my attitude at my chest-- ;-) meaning that any nasty little attitude needed not go beyond me. My efforts have been appreciated and THOROUGHLY rewarded, and for that, I am grateful. But not everyone gets the chance to win a person back--whether that's a friend or family member--and it's especially difficult when the vicious war waged was against your spouse.

I guess this is the crossroad to where truth checks into LOVE?

Perhaps.