Baby or No Baby

"Looking back, we see with great clarity, and what once appeared as difficulties now reveal themselves as blessings." - Dan Millman

I wasn't raised to think children were a blessing--not unless you held a belief in the system of modern day slavery or abusing the government system... I was raised in a time where a parent would call you into the house from playing outside just to change the channel on the TV. And no, that's no exaggeration.

I was also raised in a home where my siblings were like my children. They relied on me, and as cruel as we could be to each other, we knew that we were all we had sometimes. This childhood without a childhood created a beast in me that hated all things "motherly" while longing for a connection to someone. I grew up with an intense desire to avoid having children and even wanted to simply get sterilized so I wouldn't have to worry about the issue at all (this was illegal anyways).

So, as one can imagine, getting pregnant at 17 years old was...tragic...on so many levels. I was ashamed--heck, only just this year, eight years later, did I stop being ashamed! I was terrified. I had so many thoughts of despair ripping through my soul, I didn't think I could live anymore. And to top it all off, a specialist mentions while I am pregnant how it was a surprise that I could even get pregnant due to some health issues. Go figure.

And I can't end this story as magically easy and beautiful, but I can say that Carmichael and I were truly redeemed. We fell in love with Charisma. And that was beautiful and still is.

So now I am 25 with a daughter that will be eight this year, a husband that desires more children and prayerfully soon, friend after friend popping out children like cute little PEZ dispensers, and I am still just sitting here. Still in disbelief after three miscarriages and a few false alarms. Still in disbelief that all these years later, my health situation has only worsened. Still in disbelief that things turned out this way--struggling each day not to see myself as a failure because the basic functions of my womanhood are out of order.

And I am shocked. Shocked that I care at all. I am shocked that this is not a "no birth control needed" victory for Carmichael and I, and instead is a daily battle not to feel inferior. For me it has been a battle of not comparing and contrasting myself to other women. To not judge other women and their situations is also hard--seeing someone having yet ANOTHER kid and they seemingly don't want the others...but it is far from my place to judge who is worthy of that blessing. There are many days that we are grateful to have one child--money is tight, our apartment is tiny, college isn't finished, etc--but we still have a lot more than we had eight years ago, and that makes me wish...

It may sound silly, frivolous, or selfish, but there is also an intense desire in us to have a child "the right way" this time:

• to have honor,
• to be able to announce the news and not have to hide in shame,
• to be able to prepare for the baby with joy,
• to have a baby shower that people actually show up to,
• to not be another statistic, perpetuating stereotypes for people in my "class."

Never would I have thought I would be this grateful to have had a child at 17, because if I never have another one, as hard as it was and sometimes is, we do have her and we love her.

But in the end, I think the hardest thing for me is admitting that I cried everyday when holding and feeding my friend's son while babysitting, that I avoid pregnant women and new babies when I can, that while I celebrate with the good news of my friends, I lose myself and dream it was my news, and that I laugh about my situation to keep from crying about it (and that can be disconcerting to others who don't know what I am going though). It is hard admitting that I wanted this more than I ever thought I would, and I hope that if it never happens, my husband won't resent me later.

But I try to smile. My prayer is that I will "sorrow not, grieving as others without hope" in Messiah. (1 Thess 4:13) I know that I am not alone in this situation or in life, and I look forward to what the future holds for my family--baby or no baby.