Doubters

I had a bad week. Been struggling with my confidence and feeling pretty lost about my future.

At thirteen years old, I felt so sure of myself and what I was called to do--even though I didn't feel qualified. That calling has been confirmed over and over throughout the years--even by people that didn't know me. As I got older and did some really stupid things, I definitely thought I and everyone else had heard wrong, but I quickly learned Romans 11:29: "For Yahweh's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" I started myself on the path to redemption, understanding and grateful that the areas in my life that were not my proudest moments could become a testimony to the Father's love, grace, and mercy.

Now I am here. Almost eight years later and feeling a crisis again. I am feeling worse than I did when I found out I was going to be a mother at seventeen. This time I am not fearful and uncertain of my future because of sin--I am scared because perhaps I have spent twelve years being wrong. I have spent twelve years in a battle for my life to accomplish something that may not be for me. Had I misheard about my purpose? I have been searching my heart, struggling to make sure that I have no ulterior motives, that I didn't have even an ounce of glory seeking. And after all my examination, I come up clear and still passionate, but scared.

Why?

Because it feels like no one believes in me. It feels like I am talking out of my butt when I share my dreams and goals with friends and family. Silence. Crickets. Blank stares. No one cares.

I am a doubter surrounded by doubters.

And intellectually, I totally get that no one has to believe or agree with anything because at the end of the day, they don't have to answer for me. I have to answer for myself and there is only ONE that can approve or reject my actions in the end. But still, it hurts. It hurts because it makes me wonder that if some of those people can be so absolutely perceptive in any other conversation, maybe I am missing it because they can't seem to see me where I believe God wants to move me.

And that leads me to the video posted below. A few people posted this on Facebook and it spread like wildfire. It was a wake up call for so many. When reposting this video on my wall, I commented that it was "encouraging, eye opening, and heartbreaking all at the same time." Heartbreaking because I was faced with the realization that I was surrounded by people who were against what I was against and some for what I was for, but very few were for me. I was so affected by friends' doubts, questioning, negative words, and silence because I shouldn't have shared those areas of my life with them to begin with... And afterwards I felt that--I often felt like I was convincing people that I matter.

But what do you do when you have built years of a friendship with people who question every good thing that comes your way? What do you do when you realize that your closest friends are the very people that only cheer when they agree and scoff when things work out when they didn't agree? That is where I am. I feel stuck in so many areas and how I feel I need to break away seems so sudden, so painful. Boundaries this late in the game is like building a house in a swamp. You just don't know where the heck to begin.

I am breaking out of the lie that I need the approval of people for my life and I am learning how to break out of relationships with people that are not truly for me. A couple years ago, after making an ungodly vow that I refused to make any new friends from then on, I am opening my heart and my life to those people whom the Father himself might have sent to me. No more rejecting anyone that wants to get close. I will pray, ask for wisdom, and let the Father restore who should be in my life, remove those who shouldn't, and grow the seeds of friendship that were planted.

Please watch the video clip below if you haven't already. I think it might just bless you too.